im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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