no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
