He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
