you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
