I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
