Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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