Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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