watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Less talking, more tequila
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
