Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
