Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
