Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
