It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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