Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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