we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
