goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's the barista slut.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
