I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
