Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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