theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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