She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
