I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
