You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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