Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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