Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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