there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
