He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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