it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
