I think i peed on brittanys purse
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
