Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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