I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
