why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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