a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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