I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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