My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
