No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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