you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
