His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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