so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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