I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
