Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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