dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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