May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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