How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
