Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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