TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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