Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
