weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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