it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?