His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped