now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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