his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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