Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
