The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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