Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
