This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
