Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
