I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
