Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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